Speaking up didn’t happen overnight, just like I didn’t know how to set boundaries overnight. The thing is that when you need to, you’ll keep on trying to find how to your message heard. Even when you might give up for a moment, you’ll get back in the game.

Setting boundaries

If there’s something I really needed to learn in my life, it was setting boundaries. It was something that didn’t come natural to me. My mum grew up during WWII and with a mother who had to earn a living for her children. It was a time during which there was a lot of violence, just to make others obedient. My mum was the product of this upbringing . Yet, when it came to us, she always fought tooth and nail. The thing was that she had to figure out how herself. Some things worked out really well, others not so much.

When it came to us being bullied, she would say “ignore them”, which is basically the opposite of setting boundaries. The idea behind this is that people will get bored if you don’t respond and that part was most certainly true, it just wasn’t very efficient.

You gotta work hard

My dad grew up during WWII as well. Early on he had to take care of his mother and siblings when his dad passed, due to lack of medications. In addition there was a different vibe going on in holland, as opposed to Indonesia. There was this vibe of resistance, the underground. My dad was the fighter, he would do what was needed to help out others. Boundaries were not in play. He (and many others during that time) did whatever it took to remain alive and later to build a life again.

Again, there was no attention for boundaries, with the exception of how much you were able to spend on a daily and monthly basis. The burden was hard and so he did everything possible to make ends meet. 

The world wasn’t fair. His grandparents might be wanting to give him a little extra on the side, but at soon as he was home, he had to give it to his mum again.

Values

I grew up as the youngest one in a loving family. Times were hard when it came to making ends meet, but maybe even more importantly being understood.

We got two messages from both side growing up. My dad wouldn’t accept any low grades, he expected the best of us. My mum told us to make sure we would never be dependent on our partners. We were expected to study and get good jobs.

A new perspective

Growing up certain things were embraced by my parents. This had to doing your own thing and is showed in the way we dressed, and how we expressed ourselves through art and music.

With getting a job, new influences appeared and new insights started to build. I was still working hard, but I got a new perspective based on my colleagues, managers and of course what I saw happening around me.

I still didn’t know about boundaries, yet slowly but surely, i learned about what people needed. The good news so did others when it came to me and one day someone mentioned to me I might have a burnout.

Training

During that time, at the end of the previous century, I had crossed many boundaries. I had been dealing with RSI (the result of not knowing how to sit behind this relatively new thing called a computer) and it never got really better. Instead the suggestion was made to start working again, despite all the pain and discomfort. Of course I didn’t say too much about it. I was familiar with discomfort during my entire life, dealing with hyper mobility and no one ever realizing why my joints and tendons would be hurting. I probably just needed to take it easy and in my mind this was being translated to “don’t complain, just go do it”.

The good news was that I had become a trainer, realizing I had no problem with speaking up… on behalf of others. So I got training, including a lot of personal development and that’s when I learned that I didn’t have to accept it all.

Coaching

With learning being the norm for me ever since I was a kid, I continued doing so at the companies I worked for and at some point I got coached. This was part of the personal development training and it showed me that I needed to set my boundaries. More importantly it showed me that it was okay to set boundaries (for myself) and that in order to do so I needed to learn to speak up.

Becoming my authentic self 

Fast forwarding, I was done working for others, having to live up to their rules, which a lot of times didn’t make sense when it came to what I was doing. By this time I had become a certified fitness trainer, medical fitness trainer, masseuse, therapist and coach and counselor.

By this time I had learned to acknowledge what I needed, including speaking up when needed. I didn’t accept just about anything anymore, as a matter of fact, I did what felt right and it seemed to be working out.

Until it didn’t anymore and my physical challenges caught up with me.

It’s all about balance 

When I had been taught personal development and started to understand why my body functioned differently compared to others, I did everything I could to build my muscles and improve my core stability.

Despite all of this, things changed when I tripped on a brick. This was the beginning of a long search for support and surgeries and it taught me a new level of speaking up and speaking out. My balance was gone, everything in life and my own business seemed to go haywire and I had to stand up for and reinvent myself over and over again.

The reason why 

During this time I was still receiving training and more importantly, I had a close friend in the medical field, who was willing to fight with me. Together we went on a search to find the right surgeon and figuring out how to get across what I was experiencing and they didn’t see.

Together we managed to get one surgery done, but it still wasn’t enough. We went on the hunt for other appointments, but somehow it never seemed to work out. I was dealing with something very complex. The people in the medical field either didn’t seem to understand or they did and weren’t willing to do something about it, since it was too complex.

It wasn’t until friends of mine came over to Europe again and saw that I was still struggling with not being able to walk, that things changed. Combine this with being limited in traveling with them and a new incentive was born to get back on the hunt once more for a solution.

Finding perspective

A lot has happened ever since. I’ve had a second surgery, I can walk again, although with some limitations and I am constantly working on improving both my mobility and balance.

Nowadays I coach and guide people full time. With my background consisting of all sorts of education and a lot of personal experience, I have the privilege of supporting others to find perspective again.

Setting boundaries and speaking up and out with clarity, combined with self expression (being the authentic self) are the norm now. I am fortunate enough to teach others they deserve perspective as well and if needed I will fight tooth and nail until answers are found. 

After all, it’s all about balance. It’s up to you decide what this balance looks like and how and when it feels right for you.

My job is to support you and if you want to experience a glimpse of this, you might want to check out the => “7 Ways to Express yourself with Fun handout” <= or go straight for the course => “7 Ways to Express Yourself with Fun” <=. After all it’s about you choosing what works for you.

Some final words

In case you haven’t done so yet, check out the video included in this blogpost. It’s part of a weekly “show”, called Friday Night Live which streams on YouTube and Facebook every week on Friday Night (US), Saturday morning (Europe) and Saturday evening (Australia, New Zealand).

If I can do it, You can do it, so go do it!

Lady Lexy