When it takes years to get back to normalcy, having been wondering how to merge memories whilst dealing with all these changes myself. This blog post is not written in chronological order, but what popped up first.

How it started

1) It takes time to deal with emotional things and loss.

Four years ago my mum passed on. It was a process that started on January 31st and finished on February 1st 2021. My dad passed on February 12th, 2012. The dates are striking.

A year after my mum passed the house was sold. During that time all of us siblings sorted through their stuff, figuring out what to keep and what not. My brother had taken on the project of tearing the walls and ceiling down, to get a better perspective of what it looked like. Since the new owners were more than likely to rebuild it, it made sense.

I focused on playing on the baby-grand in between sorting things out. I knew it would be over and done with at some point, so I had to take advantage of the instrument being there, before it was taken to my brother’s place, an hour’s drive from my place.

From the money from their heritage, I bought my own keyboard and yesterday I finally got to put it in a place, where I can use it really easily. But first it required decluttering.

Holding on to things - part 1

2) Your legacy is yours. You don’t have to hold onto other people’s legacies as well.

When Mum passed on there were so many things to go through. I just couldn’t let go. I wasn’t there yet. I simply wasn’t ready. Maybe I was afraid that if I got rid of those things, there memories would be gone too. Maybe it was because I was afraid I would want and/or need something and it wouldn’t be there anymore. Maybe it was because there were a ton of useful things.

None of those fears were true. Sure, I’ve kept some things which were useful, if only because I didn’t have some of this stuff myself in my working location. There was hardly any room in my own house, especially since we had a permanent house guest living there who not only brought her own stuff, but has been adding ever since.

What I had to learn in these past four years are two very important things:

• Their memories, shown in physical items, are not my memories;
• Memories are not linked to physical items, they are in your heart.

In addition I had to learn that only few people are willing to help you with sorting out these things. Sure my brother helped me when the house needed to be emptied out, but then it stopped. It wasn’t until a friend of mine offered to help me out (I think I might have asked for her support), combined with me needing to sort things out, that I was able to let go. She was there every step of the way, discussing with me what would go where. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for friends like this.

Please note that it’s not that others don’t want to help cleaning up, but doing so and understanding what’s going on emotionally are two totally different things.

Holding onto things - part II

3) Change might be scary to embrace. Holding off keeps you from moving forward altogether.

When I twisted my ankle a decade ago, a lot was going on in the therapeutic world. The health care insurance demanded that we would get extra training, which was okay. A few years after, they stopped funding completely. Mind you that in the years prior they already had been cutting down the amount of money to be paid per session, next the number of sessions per day and then well… it stopped altogether.

So here I was, having to redefine myself and what I did for a daily living. I had quit working for a boss years ago. Now I had to figure out how to keep on earning money, with what I knew to do best.

Changing what I did, also meant changing the “Tools” I was using. I had bought all this stuff to make and decorate a tent for at the local fairs, which took up quite some space. More importantly, I wasn’t able to set this up on my own, not when I had heard my ankle and couldn’t stand on two feet anymore.

Then there was this massage table, towels and other material which didn’t serve any purpose anymore. Letting go of these was emotionally hard, because I had to admit to myself that my life had changed beyond what I ever imagined possible. By tripping on a brick, twisting my ankle, I had become depended on a lot of things, including people. Not all of them were willing to help out. Let me rephrase that. Only few of them were willing to help out and that hurt as much as my ankle did.

Holding onto things - part III

4) Change cannot always be avoided. We can work with it or against it.

Things changed when my permanent house guest moved in. It was never the plan to have her living at my place permanently, but due to circumstances, it happened. I can tell you it has been challenging and it still is. When I bought this house with my husband, it was a mutual decision. We discussed what needed to stay and what needed to go. What I didn’t take into consideration is how to clean up and sort things out when you cannot stand on two feet anymore, hold something on your lap, let alone walk through the house and climbing stairs.

Life had changed. With it, the relationship between me and my husband changed too, if only because I wasn’t able to do the “normal” things in the household anymore. things like cooking and cleaning had become impossible and with the lack of support from the medical community, it has taken me over five years to get a little bit back of my mobility.

Ever since our permanent house guest moved in, I became aware that her service dog knew really well that I knew how to help her out, when she was dealing with one of her (many) medical conditions. It broke me. I never knew when to expect what and so I was in constant adrenaline mode, with a severe lack of sleep, being woken up by the dog, non-stop.

I decided to spend more time in my working space. It wasn’t meant to be used like this, but I was one of those people who was working around the clock anyway. As a result more stuff ended up in this building, than I’d ever imagined possible

Letting go

5) Letting go isn’t easy. Ask for support and visualize the outcome.

When I went to Chicago in 2022, things changed. Being in hotel rooms, especially sharing them with Cheeky Jo (check out Instagram and my YouTube Channel for more information about her), showed me how nice it was to have an overview.

That year I started with my first Clarity Challenge. The plan to declutter this place, my working space, followed soon after. Still it took me another two years and trips to Chicago to get where I am now.

During these years, there have been three Clarity Challenges, which has resulted in one course, which is almost completely finished. It has taken me some visits from local authorities to discuss what needed changing and it took me asking others to help me out.

I am proud though to say that this weekend there was another big shift. The bar tables I bought to use for recording are now in a more prominent place, ready to be used the way they were supposed to be. I mean I have been using part of this equipment for years, but now the picture in my mind, is starting to match the reality.

Some final words

6) Express what you need, visualize it and get support

What are you holding onto? Do you know why? Are you ready to do something about it? If, so leave a comment. In case you want to get a better understanding about how the mind works and what to do to get clarity back in your life again, check out the training.

You can do it!

Lady Lexy